The Power of Self-Compassion (And Why Self-Care Isn’t Enough)
I used to think self-care was the answer to how unworthy I felt about myself. A walk, a bath, a quiet pause in the day. But the more I learned about psychology and my own patterns, the more I realised it isn’t enough. Self-care keeps us going. Self-compassion changes the way we live and helps increase our self-worth.
Put simply, self-compassion is treating yourself the way you’d treat someone you love, with warmth, support, and encouragement.
That sounds simple, but for many of us, it isn’t how we’ve been taught to treat ourselves. Especially if you’re a woman and/or neurodivergent.
The Critical Inner Voice
When you are neurodivergent, criticism is everywhere. From parents, teachers, colleagues, and eventually from yourself. Years of being told to “try harder”, “you’re too much”, or “not enough” leave their mark - often before you even realise you are neurodivergent.
One of my favourite coaching exercises is called The Two Friends Metaphor, a fantastic exercise that helps people notice how they talk to themselves and introduces the concept of the critical inner voice. Here’s how it goes: imagine your best friend tells you she’s failed at something. Would you a). Comfort her, encourage her, help her find a way through? Or would you b). Criticise her and tell her it was all her fault? Now imagine what your own inner voice says in the same situation - which is it? Option a or Option b? For most women, it isn’t the kindness and encouragement of option a.
Most of us would never speak to a friend the way we speak to ourselves. But because those critical voices have been there for so long, they feel like the truth about ourselves.
Self-compassion is learning to notice that critical voice and soften it. Not by pretending mistakes don’t happen, but by saying: “It’s okay. You’re allowed to be human.” It helps us protect, motivate, and care for ourselves all at once.
By becoming aware of and noticing our critical inner voices, we can change unconscious thought patterns and learn how to treat ourselves with more compassion. That inner critic runs on repeat until you begin to notice it. This is why self-compassion is so important. It interrupts that cycle. It gives us a different voice to fall back on. Self-compassion is what helps to change the script.
For me, learning about self-compassion was a turning point. It wasn’t just another self-help idea. It was the missing piece that helped me see how much harm my inner critic had been doing, and how much kinder life felt when I learned to speak to myself differently.
What is Self-Compassion?
Dr Kristin Neff’s work on self-compassion has shaped much of what we know about it today. She breaks it down into three elements:
Self-kindness versus self-judgement — noticing when you’re harsh and offering kindness instead.
Mindfulness versus over-identification — recognising a difficult moment without letting it define you.
Common humanity versus isolation — remembering that mistakes and struggles are part of being human, not proof that you’re uniquely failing.
This isn’t just theory. Research shows that practising self-compassion reduces anxiety and depression, buffers against the effects of shame, and helps people recover from setbacks more quickly. More recently, studies have shown that adults with ADHD who increase their self-compassion see improvements in their mental health and wellbeing.
Self-compassion can be difficult to cultivate, especially if you are used to self-criticism or neglecting your own needs.
For me, it comes down to this:
I speak to myself the way I would to a close friend
I forgive myself when things go wrong
I accept that being human is messy, and that’s okay
That’s self-compassion in practice.
Self-Compassion and the Impact on Women
Self-compassion is a game-changer for women for numerous reasons. Firstly, it helps us overcome the harsh grip of self-criticism that we've been conditioned to have. Self-criticism can hinder personal growth and empowerment, leading to feelings of anxiety, depression, and low self-worth. By treating ourselves with kindness and understanding, we liberate ourselves from this cycle of negativity.
Secondly, self-compassion equips us with the tools to manage difficult emotions. When faced with challenging situations, it's natural to be overwhelmed by a whirlwind of negative emotions, particularly if you’re neurodivergent. However, by embracing self-compassion, we learn to acknowledge and accept these emotions without judgement or self-criticism.
Finally, self-compassion enhances our relationships with others. When we show kindness and compassion to ourselves, it spills over into our interactions with others. This paves the way for positive connections and strengthens the bonds we share, making our relationships more fulfilling.
When women practice self-compassion, they powerfully change how they show up in the world through increased agency, resilience, and self-worth. From this position, women are more able to respond to life's challenges in a less self-critical and more authentic way, modelling to the next generation of girls that women are worthy of love and respect. Every single woman who practices self-compassion, whether they have ADHD or not, is making an impact on changing intergenerational patterns of sexism.
Ways to Practise Self-Compassion (That Actually Work)
Self-compassion isn’t about pretending everything is fine. It’s about responding differently when things aren’t fine. Some of the practices that help include:
Mindfulness - Not the sit-cross-legged, empty-your-mind kind (unless that’s your thing). For me, it can be as simple as walking the dog and noticing the air, or taking three slow breaths before diving back into emails.
Self-compassion meditations - There are plenty of guided versions online. Think of them as little reminders to soften, rather than another “task” to perfect.
Challenge your inner critic - When that voice pipes up with “You’re useless,” imagine saying it to a friend. You wouldn’t. So try reframing it. (And yes, sometimes I literally tell my inner critic to f-off. Surprisingly effective.)
Write yourself a letter - Sounds cheesy, but it works. Write as if you’re your own best friend, reminding yourself of what’s true and kind. I often write this on unused pages in my planner, a short letter that tells me everything I need to hear, also perfect for when I stumble across it later.
Include self-care without guilt - Sleep, food, rest, movement… yes, they matter. But add in the permission piece: you are allowed to take care of yourself without guilt.
These aren’t quick fixes. They’re practices to live by. Over time, they build new neural pathways, which I call new “railroads” of thoughts in our minds that make compassion the automatic response rather than criticism.
The Hard Bits (and How to Move Through Them)
Here’s the thing: self-compassion often feels selfish at first. Guilty. Even shameful. That’s especially true for women who’ve been taught to put everyone else first.
But those feelings aren’t proof you’re doing it wrong, they’re proof you’re unlearning old patterns that aren’t good for you.
Notice when guilt shows up and remind yourself: this is human, not just me.
Catch negative self-talk and replace it with something gentler.
Reframe mistakes as growth, not proof you’re failing.
Forgive yourself, over and over.
Self-compassion isn’t about never struggling again. It’s about struggling with a kind voice by your side.
The Bottom Line
Somewhere along the way, we forgot to teach children how to be kind to themselves. We learned how to be polite, how to please, how to care for others, but not how to extend the same compassion inward.
It’s time to change that.
Self-compassion is an essential ingredient in the recipe for overall wellbeing. By treating ourselves with kindness and understanding, we break free from neglecting our own needs and prioritise our own wellbeing. Practising self-compassion not only transforms our relationship with ourselves but also enhances our connections with others, leading to a happier, more fulfilling life.
For me, self-compassion is always the first thing I introduce to coaching clients. And time after time, I watch women’s shoulders drop, their breath deepen, their eyes soften when they realise: I don’t have to be at war with myself anymore.
That’s the gift of self-compassion.
And if you let it, it will become the kindest friend you’ve ever had.
